The Marriage Partner You Seek Should Never Be The Goal

March 25th, 2015 || Relationships

 You should get married not because you need someone to love you but you have enough love to give out.

Young women especially, and the unmarried, always seek to know about how their relationships should be conducted before, during and after break up. When I look at the trend of which many make unnecessary mistakes, I wonder where they got their orientation from. The first culprit, I perceive, comes from the society. We sometimes allow the society to direct us because of fear that we may be isolated. The society in which we find ourselves in, forces us to lead certain lifestyle in a certain manner in line with the society’s aspirations. Individuals who live by the society’s standards, lead their lives as if the relationships they’re pursuing are their only hope of survival and that without they being married they will be useless. Some even think that there are some special men  out there who are their missing ribs of which they will never be at peace without them. They usually have the infantile idea that without they having partners, they can never have a life of their own;a life never complete. In fact they see themselves as if these partners hold their lives.

DON’T MARRY FOR FEAR OF OLD AGE

I have observed a lot of people in the past, and still do about their search for their significant other or the so called the better half. Especially women in traditional areas like Africa where if you’re not married within certain age, you are branded or called names. In some societies, the unmarried even in their death are treated with disdain. In such societies  there are so much pressure on the individual to get married, even when he doesn’t feel ready. Pressure from home and from the society makes him bow to their want. Another issue also stems from fear and the individual philosophy. Fear in the sense of age. When an individual is far beyond her marriageable age, and especially when she is seeking someone to marry her off. Some individuals go to the extreme by giving themselves a time table of which they must find a man or woman at all cost, if not they’re doomed to life. From morning till evening all their thinking, their talk is about marriage and nothing else.

THE PARTNER YOU SEEK MAY NOT BE ,AFTER ALL, WHAT YOU EXPECTED

Know that the person you’re dying for and to win has a lot of weaknesses, which could put you off if you’re not careful. The person you can’t blink your eyes for, during the night because you want to have him at all cost, has his own problems and baggage’s he is bringing into the relationship. Many make the mistake to the extent that,and make them think that, when a particular guy comes in to their lives then all their romantic problems are solved. The problem is that a new problem you’re not aware of will arise during the course of the relationship and so be prepared to face them squarely. Some of which you can tolerate, some you can’t. Some you can accept and some you can’t. So in your search for your significant other, take your time to know whether you are really comfortable with his flaws. Ask yourself whether you can tolerate his little headaches, his snoring, his little laziness, his little cheats. His dishonesty, his love for women. Some guys like women so much that they will follow even a goat in skirt, can you tolerate such behavior? Think through every decision you make before you carry the relationship out to the altar and more importantly during the course of the marriage. Since you’ve not stayed with him for a long time, probably he is not also from the neighborhood, the best way to know him within the shortest possible time is that of asking him relevant questions. Having this kind of mentality will cool you down so you can concentrate more on the most important issues of your life.

THE PARTNER YOU SEEK SHOULD NEVER BE YOUR SOURCE OF HAPPINESS

The person who will be coming into your life should be a compliment to you and should  never be your source of happiness. Which means that you should already be happy and be satisfied with your life before you venture into any long term relationship.Which also  implies that if he is no longer in your life you can still survive without claiming you want to commit suicide or stop living as a real human being.Such attitude is infantile, it shows complete immaturity and  complete dependence on people,which shouldn’t be so with INFINITY THINKERS like you.If you are not happy and still grappling with some issues in your life,wait till you solve it.Your happy nature will attract those in the same wavelength with you. Make sure the person you want to date too is in the same wavelength with you in terms of your happiness status or else he will come and destroy all your happiness that you’ve gain for years,and you know,the greater purpose of every venture that we take is to have more peace of mind in the end.If you cannot gain peace of mind in the end, then you should better  not venture into such projects. We sometimes get the shock of our lives when we think of pursuing a particular goal, and that achieving them we will make us happy. We achieve that goal and then realize that after all, what we really needed, which is happiness, has not been achieved. The person you’ve had so much passion for may be handsome, very beautiful, and rich but there might be something you might not like about him.More so, you might want to endure to see whether he will change in the future. Being complimentary to you means to bring certain strength that under normal circumstance you might not have.You  should not rely on the other person for daily sustenance, emotional support and even monetary support. You should be independent of each others domain,not interfering in each others lives. You should only interfere when the independent nature of your relationship is having an adverse toll on the relationship.Occasionally, you can give out some important and relevant inputs. You should get married not because you need someone to love you but you have enough love to give out. If you don’t have enough love to give out, you don’t go in and get married to hurt anyone. Most importantly, the person should reciprocate all the love you give him because you’re not ready to be a martyr. A one sided relationship is doomed to fail.

YOU SHOULD ACCEPT THAT NOT EVERYONE WILL GET MARRIED

The earlier we all get  this fact, the better.You should simply understand that there are particular people whose temperament, character and disposition cannot support relationships and let alone marriage. Some will want to be alone; some  are not sociable and some cannot withstand the opposite sex and so forth.
We should accept that not everybody will get married. In communities where strong attachment to marriage and giving birth are held in high esteem, can be very nerve racking and discouraging when one has not gotten the right person . Such communities believes that marrying and giving birth is not a decision that the individual makes ,and therefore such decisions does not reside with the individual but the community. The community decides the individuals fate in terms of marriage and procreation. In cases where one reaches his or her marriageable age and decides either not to get married or he is waiting to get the right person,it  is these statements  that the community will not want to hear. If you’re taking too long to get married, the community will start making suggestions and recommendations to you. In that part of Africa where I come from, my grand mum once told me that in the olden days, woe betide you if you reach marriageable age and dies. Your body will be mutilated and disrespected in the community as a warning and deterrent to all those who are planning not get married and let alone give birth to replenish the community with new members. There is another aspect of this whole philosophy and that is marrying and failing to give birth, is even a sacrilege in such communities. You should understand that not everybody will have the heart and the disposition to get married. Forcing marriage into ones throat will bring an untold suffering to the other person he is getting married to. Some don’t like children at all, and giving birth to these little ones, will not even give out love that is needed for the children to grow and develop in a loving atmosphere. If you know you don’t have the heart for marriage or you don’t like children, then accept that, and then go about your daily dealings without allowing anybody to coerce you into marriage. If you find yourself in such communities described above, you will have to move out and stay in a different community that will give you the peace of mind that you seek, but mind you, when you die, in your TESTAMENT, tell your executors that you should be buried  in another community other than your own community or else you will be sorry for your body.Of late, in Africa, a lot of things have changed over the years and some communities are relaxing their stance on this issue and giving more rights to the individual.

CONCLUSION

Research has shown that by the age of 35, women become 25 per cent infertile and by 40 she is 50 per cent infertile. The urge to start a family on the female side becomes very daunting and very urgent. Probably, the want of a higher education has delayed her in getting married or had been in time wasting relationship that had taken away all her most eligible years for marriage. In searching for a partner, one should bare it in mind that it is only a by-product or something additional, that you stumbled upon.Real love is not something that you self actualize,it just happens when you are serious about your own daily dealings. Intentional search for a partner makes you delusional and blinds you from seeing the right caliber of  persons you want to date. Just free your mind and mingle with the eligible ones in the church, school, and in the work without having any preconceived mind. Open yourself up without losing yourself and your values. Open your eyes up and get the best partner you deserve, and don’t let anyone to force you into any marriage you don’t deserve.

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