I’ve learned that so much of the hurt, heartache, and disappointment we experience in love could be avoided if we just paid more attention at the beginning of a relationship-Barbara De Angelis
It is sometimes very sad when we have no clue about how love works and what love is.We learn so many theories from our cultures, societies, from romantic novels and even the most serious ones are the movies we watch.But we do forget that these sources, loses touch with reality and therefore those lessons are inapplicable. We allow these sources to shape our love lives and even lead us into love decisions that are detrimental to our total well-being.Can you believe that a section of the population make love decisions on the basis of some love movies they have watched somewhere or some novels they have read somewhere? This rendition will introduce you to each of these mistakes, so you can learn from it.
1)NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO POTENTIAL PROBLEMS:
Do you sometimes feel you have made the greatest mistake of your life by choosing particular lady or a guy because you couldn’t pay enough attention when certain signs of character were being exhibited from the beginning of the relationship? You blame yourself for not noticing those characters early enough. You noticed something unusual about your partner but you chose to ignore it or you decided to differ those inquiries to a later date which never came. According to Barbara De Angelis:”the more positive and loving a person you are ,the more prone you may be to ignoring the warning signs in your relationships. If you have the habit of looking and seeing the potential in people, you might overlook certain disturbing characteristics or behaviors in your partner, only to find later that you should have paid more attention”
This attribute, of you being a person who notice good in people, is probably one of the most dangerous mistakes we make in our love life, that will cost us in big chunks if we don’t make some drastic changes to our world view of people. You may be wondering that your partner wasn’t like that when you first met him or you may be lamenting that if you had known earlier you will never had involved yourself in that relationship at all. There are situations where people had deliberately planned to deceive others, either for their money or something valuable. You should not be worried about such people they are rather deceiving themselves. For nobody cheats anybody except one’s self. You know, relationships don’t fall apart in one day but it’s deteriorate gradually until it’s no more. That is why you have to pay attention to little things that tends to eat into relationship day by day.
SOME WARNING SIGNS YOU SHOULD LOOK OUT FOR, AND THE POSSIBLE PROBLEMS IT MIGHT PRESENT
a)He avoids discussing his past, dodges direct questions or makes light of it.This can be a clear indication that the guy you’re dating won’t work on the relationship or he is hiding something serious. He might tell you the pasts is past and so there is no need for discussion. Every person’s pasts is as important as his future.
b)Won’t reveal details of family background; doesn’t see or speak to family much. This attitude reveals a difficult time being intimate; hidden anger and range at family members that will be projected onto you later in the relationship.
c)He still contacts his ex’s.He frequently talks to them on phone a lot; doesn’t include you in the friendship arena or he doesn’t introduce you. The signal here shows that your partner won’t be able to make any commitment to you. He may go back to his ex or will never love you the way you want.
d)Too close to family members. Seem to talk to them too much. He allows his family members tell him what to do all the time. No boundaries, no privacy. He won’t be able to include you in the family and let alone its affairs. You will always feel alone and he will never side with you when they come at you.
e)Can’t do without alcohol or some drugs. Partying all the time, can’t sit down alone always with friend going about drinking. He could be an alcoholic, will surely deny that he is hooked up on drugs or an alcohol. Expect some mood swings or some signs of emotional distance tendency.
f)Frequently flirting, staring at others. When talking to him at some bar, and you steal glimpses at him spinning his eyes all over and not concentrating on you. Needs lots of attention from people. He attracts sexual interest like flies. Watch, He might be a first class cheater or a Casanova.He will never make you feel secure and accepted.
*SOME EXAMPLES OF REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE BY A LADY CALLED SARAH.
Between 2006 and 2008, Sarah met Robert and they dated. These are the warning signs she noticed at the beginning of her relationship with Robert and how she ignored those warning signs:
• Had five drinks on our first date and knocked out.
• He told me he wasn’t interested in settling down.
• Didn’t call me when left town several times.
• Wouldn’t talk about his past lovers much.
• Always acted like my superior or teacher.
• Didn’t like when people thought we were a couple.
• Bragged about how bad he had been in high school and how he almost flunked out(I thought he was ‘’colorful’’).
• He describes all his ex-girls as weak and helpless victims.
• His apartment was very filthy
• Tried to impress my friends when he first met them and told jokes all night
Robert was scared of commitment and had difficulty with intimacy. “I just didn’t get the hint, and kept hoping he would love me more in time. May be it was the fact that he was unobtainable that I found him more attractive. I later found out that he and my best friend were having an affair. I must have been blind not to see from the first night that he was rebel who had never grown up. I saw his behavior as exciting, obviously lying to myself. I had enough warnings signs in the first two weeks to know he would never be stable, responsible partner; but I ignored them. I finally left, and he accused me of not being able to handle his high energy, Give me a break, I said”.
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE WARNING SIGNS YOU DISCOVER
The purpose of this piece is not for you to go and stop your relationships, and so you becoming so confused as to you not knowing what to do. Everybody you meet, if you pay attention, may exhibit some of these bad behaviors.We all have various baggage’s we bring into a relationship.
You should break up your relationship immediately if this condition is not fulfilled:
•Your partner should accept that he has a problem and that he is willing to work on it.If he doesn’t accept that he has problems then you have no choice but to back out. Every good relationship has some elements of sacrifices and giving certain things up to getting something in return.
•Are you willing to live and deal with this warning signs (like partner who has no integrity, cheats, can’t feel for anybody, makes you feel unloved, has serious addictions, emotionally blocked. If you are not willing to deal these fatal flaws with your partner then back out. There are so many guys who will love you and listen to you, and are willing to deal with their flaws. Go and search for them and you will find them.
Every relationship with determination on both sides, can overcome many problems. Lot of problems emanate from relationship when one down plays his fatal flaws and not willing to work on it.
2)NOT PROBING ENOUGH:
The petty squabbles and confusions that characterized many relationships are that we don’t ask relevant question at the beginning of a relationship. Asking your partner questions to find out more about him may not seem glamorous and romantic, but it is the only intelligent way to really get to know someone.
THE REASONS WHY WE DON’T ASK QUESTIONS IN THE BEGINNING OF THE RELATIONSHIP:
a)WE ARE AFRAID OF WHAT WILL COME UP: There are certain issues that brings out emotional wounds of the past. These emotional remembrances makes us so sad and anxious, and it brings out the worst in us. This clearly shows that your partner has not gotten over his emotional wounds and your relationship is likely to suffer in the long run. We should all work on all our emotional wounds before we get into another relationship or else you will be hurting the other partner.
b)WE ARE AFRAID OF WAKING UP SO SOON FROM OUR ROMANTIC HYPE: asking questions is not romantic at all, it cuts short romantic honeymoon very quickly. You must ask your date loads of questions about himself which may tilt your questioning to certain directions that will eventually reveal certain truth about your partner of which he wouldn’t want you to know.
c)WHEN WE ARE HIDING SOMETHING: When people are hiding things in their Pandora box, you will find it very difficult to pry open them to get the answers you want. In such relationships there are always surprises. I got some of these surprises a few years back when I was in relationship with a lady, it took me some months to recover,just because her Pandora box was full of skeletons.Surprises are painful, and so recognize them before you go too far.
d)SOME WOMEN ARE SIMPLY TOO SHY THAT, ASKING THEM QUESTION IS AN ALIEN TO THEM: Some women are shy to talk about themselves, so you should find out. If its indeed, its shyness, then one needs to give her more time.
e)ASKING QUESTIONS IS SIMPLY NOT A ROUTINE AND A CULTURE FOR SOME PEOPLE: you should have the heart to talk and make her understand that one needs probe into people’s life in other to be accepted.
f)IT CAN ALSO MEAN LACK OF INTEREST. If you ask your partner questions consistently and she seems not answer you, it indicates luck of interest. You should start expecting a rejection, and start thinking of pitching your tent somewhere else.
g)IT ALSO MEANS SHE IS NOT COMFORTABLE WITH YOU YET. Whenever there is no trust, no body ,including your romantic interest would want talk to you about what you want to know. It takes time, and when he trust you more he will start telling you more of things you want to know. Don’t pester him, but you should be worried when it takes too long.
*THESE ARE SOME OF THE QUESTIONS YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR PARTNER ABOUT:
• Family background and quality of family relationship
• Past love relationship and reasons of break ups
• Lessons learned from life experiences
• Ethics,Values,and Morals
• Attitude about love,commitment,communication
• Spiritual or religious philosophy
• Personal and Professional goals
3)CHANGING TOO EARLY TO SUIT YOUR PARTNER:
This is what I will call premature compromises. Changing or editing your own values, behaviors, and habits in the hope that you and your partner will appear to get along more harmoniously .The problem of premature compromises is that you lose your identity very early in the relationship and then you create a false sense that may appear to people, and even your own mate that you are compatible.
When you meet your partner who appears to have the same values and believes as yours, you can decide how well you are suited for one another. Any time you realized that there are certain variance in your values and beliefs with your partner .You have certain actions to take: You either stand the risk of destroying your relationship by standing firm on your beliefs and values, or you compromise to keep the peace.
*SOME EXAMPLES OF SOME OF THE COMPROMISES WE MAKE:
a)Being pressured to have sex against your will, especially before you’re ready of feeling it is appropriate.
b)Being afraid of speaking up to your partner even when he is misbehaving.
c)Being afraid of taking a stand on controversial issues such as. abortions,LGBT’s,environmental issues, politics ,trade policies by governments, and religion
d)Being part of an activity that you will never normally like to participate (drinking, taking drugs, watching pornographic movies and going out).
e)Not expressing your opinion when you strongly disagree with your partner.
f)Giving up your own interest and activities to suit your partner’s interest.
g)You will try and force yourself to love things your partner loves.eg.You stop reading to follow your partner for partying, Stop attending seminars because your partner has no interest in it.
The solution is to enter the relationship with full firm beliefs and values. And saying NO to beliefs that are in congruent to your beliefs.
4)THE TEMPTATION OF BLIND LUST:
I will like to depict this issue with a scenario Barbara De Angelis gave in ONE of her books. I have read that part several times and love this scenario. Let us look at what she has to say on this all important issue: ’’As seminar leader,I’m always attempting to create new ways of helping people learn through experience rather than information. ’’According to her one of her favorite designed to show how people are prone to LUST BLINDNESS is this:
‘’Each course participant puts on a blindfold.Then,with the help of my staff, they pair up with a member of opposite sex.The instructions are that, they spend five to ten minutes together getting to know one another as if they were shopping for a prospective partner. I TELL them to be flirtatious or bold as they want to. They can hold hands or be affectionate if they wish. After the time elapses, they made notes to themselves about their reactions, and we place them together with another partner. By the time were finished, they’ve had six or seven”mini relationships. “Next I ask them to rate their partners based on how attracted they felt to each one, placing them in order, and to write down why they felt that way about each person. Then the fun begins. We introduce each person to all of their partners. You can imagine the shock on people’s faces when they realizes that, with their blindfold on, they felt attracted to totally different people than they would without the blindfold”. It’s completely obvious that someone whose taste in women was black beautiful women find his number one choice woman a little skinny with whom he had the most glorious conversation with in his life. A career woman who has made a habit of dating only successful guys found out that she was attracted to a mechanic. This blindfolding scenario shows how we are all prone to blind lust. And therefore has limited our ability to choose partners that are good for us.
Each of us has our own moral beliefs when it comes to sex, and therefore we must follow OUR own conscience in this matter. However, I have this view and I think will be appropriate if you adopt it also. If you really want to have sex before you get married, you should wait for as long as you can.I don’t mean weeks, either. Before you sleep with your partner and you are very sure you want to marry him or her you should know everything about him or her first, and this takes time.
DO NOT SLEEP WITH SOMEONE YOU DON’T WANT TO BECOME LIKE.
*If you are a woman, you should ask yourself these questions:
WOULD I WANT TO HAVE THIS MAN’S CHILDREN?
WOULD I WANT A SON JUST LIKE THIS MAN?
These questions serves two purposes: first, it reminds you that pregnancy is always a possibility. Secondly, it will help you to be sure that you are to become sexually intimate with this man.Whether you actually wants children or not ,if you don’t like this man enough to want children that would carry his genes,characteristics,and personality, then what are you doing sleeping with this guy?
*If you are a man, you should ask yourself: WOULD I WANT THIS WOMAN TO BE THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN? WOULD I WANT A DAUGHTER JUST LIKE THIS WOMAN?
Making love in the right manner is one the most beautiful and healing experiences in the world. But I have seen it causing tremendous pain, humiliation, and heartache for people when they enter into it blindly.
5)THE TEMPTATION OF GIVING INTO MATERIAL WEALTH:
We live in a society where so much emphasis is placed on wealth. In some societies when someone is successful nobody ask where he got his money from. What They only care about is his money and not the source. Instead of us concentrating on inner wealth and accomplishment of the individual, we rather get tempted to follow the guys and ladies that have flashy cars, buildings etc. One dangerous aspect of following material seductions is when you are trying to marry someone whose parents are wealthy. I will urge you to be very careful when marrying from a wealthy home. If you are not careful you may be marrying him or her for the hope that the parent will die so your partner can inherit their wealth thereby you benefiting. Such wealthy families are always sniffing from afar that someone is after their money by either using their daughters or their sons. You might have very good intentions but they won’t see it that way. Research has shown that there is a correlation between wealth and good marriage. Which means that about 90 percent of all wealthy people in the US married their wives whiles they had nothing. These same wives helped them to be what they are today. Most rich men before they started dating their women, had the intuition of recognizing who is good and who is not. People who stay married for the full term(“till death do us part”) tend to be unselfish,caring,forgiving,patients,understanding,discipline,and VIRTUOUS. Marriages works more if the couple has similar interest.One self made millionaire called Don, when they first started their business this what he said concerning his wife: “What if we have to sell everything?” He said the wife asked him” what happens if you don’t make money?” I said “well I will get another job.” And she said, “Fine”
But two years after Don started the business and the venture didn’t make it .His wife, who worked with him, never once complained.
My problem is that if you marry this person because he has money and he loses all he has what will you do? Let us concentrate on character in finding our partners. The rich men of tomorrow may have nothing now but they have the character that will help them get there. Look for those characters and don’t look for ‘present’ things but the future things.
6)PUTTING COMMITMENT BEFORE COMPATIBILITY:
You love someone so much that you don’t even care whether the person you are dating is good for you or not. We tend to fantasize about the person. We only look at his one sided character and we think he is ok.You are only interested in been in love with love and not the person.
*HOW CAN YOU TELL YOU ARE MAKING THIS MISTAKE?
• You had sex the first month you met your partner.
• You and your partner began living together for the first three or four months of the relationship.
• You are sure that this person is the one for you a few weeks into the relationship.
• Within the first weeks or months, you begin to find yourself saying and doing things you have done before in a relationship you thought will last forever.
• The intensity of your feelings for your new partner is proportionately far greater than the amount of time you have spent together.
• Within the first week or month you begin fantasizing, or even planning, the rest of the year or life how you will spend it with a new partner.
*If you are in a new relationship and have experienced one or more of these warning signs don’t panic. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going too fast, or that your relationship isn’t meant to last for ever. But there is a good chance that you are making an emotional commitment to your partner before you know him. Well, and you need to slow down and take your time.
7)WE DON’T COMMUNICATE CLEARLY OF WHAT WE WANT AND EXPECT:
Communication is important in relationships it allows us to share interests, aspirations and concerns, to support each other, to organize our lives and make decisions. The person you are dating is not in your mind and for him to know what you expect from him or her. Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships which we don’t even know what we are looking for, let alone saying clearly what we expect from the other partner. We need to communicate clearly to avoid misunderstanding that may cause hurt, anger and confusion
*When you talk to your partner, try to:
• Think about what you want to say and what you want to feel, when you say it.
• Be clearly about what you want to say.
• Be clear about your message so that your partner hears it accurately and understand what you mean.
• Share positive feeling with your partner, such as what you appreciate and admire about them, and how important they are to you.
8)WE DON’T LISTEN TO OUR INTUITION:
We all have two voices that gives us signals in our relationships. That first voice is NEEDINESS OR CRAVINGS. The second voice is INTUITION.
In relationships, intuition can help you to:
• Know someone at a glance.
• Gives you some hints of compatibility with someone.
• Be alerted to times when your needs are not being met or your values are being violated.
The main importance of your intuition in relationship is to help you get your needs met, while honoring yourself and your values.
Your intuition gives you feed back about your relationship mainly through gut feelings and impressions. Your feelings and gut impression are fantastic inputs because they give you feed back about every single interactions that goes on and everything that is said between you and another person. You may not consciously register about some impressions or signals or even an insult, but afterwards your gut feeling will let you know about it.Sometimes it takes time for intuition to come through clearly and give you a verdict, but it will, if you let and if you’re not afraid to see the truth.
Your intuition is interested in keeping you safe and happy in the short and long run. Your intuition is looking for a way to serve you. It’s not looking for a way to quick fix your problems and to patch your ego but to make you happy.
Now let us look at the voice of Neediness:
The voice of neediness looks for and grabs onto anything that will make you feel better in the short term. It’s well documented that neediness is not helpful in the long run.
Many people finds it very difficult to hear their intuition in dating when they believe they need something or can get something from a partner. It doesn’t mean they are desperate, it just means they are so attached to what they need, and that they will ignore what their intuition is saying in order to get a need met. Another classic case situation is when people think they need their partner so much, they block this intuitive signal concerning suspicion that their partner is cheating.
LEARNING TO LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION INSTEAD OF NEEDINESS
Here are some points:
1. Adopt an abundance mind set in relationships:
The universe is huge and has all what you need and want. According to Jews, every human being has twelve partners in his life time and these twelve are only made for you and no one else .Which means that if you lose one partner more is there for you. I have a problem with this philosophy because, if you have dated over twenty partners, does it necessarily mean it is over with you in finding a partner which is suitable? The universe has enough for everybody. Cultivating the abundance mentality helps you to distance you from your situation, so you can see clearly. Things suddenly makes sense when you know whatever you seek from your partner including love, good times, exist in abundance in even if it doesn’t work.
2. Know your needs and get them met
The idea behind this is that when your needs are being met, you make better choices in your relationships. When I talk about needs I mean the need for love, intimacy and the need to be listened to.
3. In your interactions with people, practice distinguishing between the voice of your needs and the voice of your intuition. Whenever you a have strong urge to do something ask yourself this questions whether is from your need or your intuition. In other hand when your need is asking you to go back to an abusive ex-partner, your intuition may direct you to join a club or read a book that will help you get your needs met in the long run.it may seem irrelevant advice at the time, but in the long run it will turn out to be helpful. Understanding this intuition requires effort, patience and self-discipline.
Some times as winners and learners we need to retain the ability to feel the negative input that our intuition gives us. You know from the onset that this marriage or relationship will not work but we ignore these voices and have crush landings in our relationships. I have made several mistakes to that effect. Anytime I go into any relationship, within weeks, and it will not work my intuition tells me.No matter how accepting and non-judgmental you are, you still need to be discerning when it comes to who you spend your life with.
Things that block us from seeing clearly through our intuition
is when you experience an opening up to some else’s emotions and experience, but then instead of you coming back to yourself afterwards and being centered in your own feelings, you remain out there absorbed in everyone else’s stuff. Overactive empathy takes account other people more than it take account your needs. And you may think that the impulse to sacrifice yourself came from the spirit or God,because God loves the cheerful giver? In my humble opinion, I don’t think so.Real intuition is actually balanced, sensible and well grounded. It will always recommend courses which are win-win situation.Intuition will not encourage you to sacrifice yourself either so you can help others.it looking for mutually beneficial solution for every one involve.
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